WILL I BECOME A WRITER?

I'm baffled. Weeks after turning 70, I am still thinking about writing. Or more precisely - about becoming a writer. I keep on buying books on Writing, reading about Writing and bent on learning the craft of Writing. Of course lately I've been more than conscious of time - how little of it I might have left. So I really should be thinking about spending it in the pursuit of becoming a better Muslim. After all, Death might call on me any time now; 70 is not too soon by any standards.

Admittedly, I have been focusing on my spiritual needs; on the need to prepare for the afterlife when I will have to face Judgement Day and account for all my life's deeds, both good and bad. As a true believer, nothing is more feared than this Day. For a good many years now, I have tried to do the best I could as a practising Muslim - perform my obligatory prayers, supplement them with non-obligatory ones, read the Quran everyday, attend classes to bolster my knowledge of Islam, give alms whenever I can afford to, etc. etc. so as to earn my brownie points with Allah. I have even told myself that the time has come for me to let go of the material world, to become less concerned with the worldly. Yet, I can't seem to let go of Writing!

So for the last couple of years now I have been grappling with this conflict - do I give up on a long-held ambition of becoming a writer, or do I give it one last chance? Shall I fulfil it once and for all while I'm still breathing with a sound mind and body? Or banish it forever to the back burner and forget that I once considered it a remote possibility? Being at this age, the chances of realising an ambition, whatever it may be, could be next to nil. Three years ago I attended my first ever writing workshop because then I thought I still had time to learn the craft and make my dormant ambition see the light of day. The Workshop taught me a lot of things that I needed to know if I wanted to write fiction, specifically short stories. This was one genre that I never considered because I thought it was difficult. How right I was! But something unexpected happened at the end of the Workshop that blew my mind. Our assignment was to write and hand in a short story of no more than 3,000 words. When my piece was up for discussion, the lecturer (a published author and poet in her own right) waxed praises about it and said that I had the potential to make it as a writer. Her words of encouragement for me boosted my confidence but I still harboured self-doubts.

Because I was short on time, I thought the best pathway was to have a mentor who would work closely with me and guide me on the right track as I pursue my writing goals. But I did not actively look for anyone. All the while I was thinking that that particular lecturer would be the right person for the job. She already knew what I was capable of, so it would not be a case of starting from scratch. I hesitated to ask because I knew she had a full-time job and might not be available to take on a mentoring position. So I did nothing for three whole years apart from nursing the wound of a failed ambition. Yes, this is procrastination of the highest order if ever there was one!

But in January this year, the said lecturer sent me news that she was no longer teaching full-time and was embarking on a mentorship programme for would-be writers. I immediately wrote her back asking for details of the programme. Which clearly goes to show that my interest has never waned! She suggested that I come up with a collection of short stories. 

So now I find myself in a dilemma. Do I get back on the trail of my ambition, or do I dedicate whatever time and energy I have left towards enhancing my spiritual development? Can I not do both simultaneously? Would writing take away time meant for religious obligations like the zikir, Quran reading, consolidating knowledge of the Deen, etc.? 24 hours in a day might seem a lot, but I am also a housewife who cooks and cleans on top of other housekeeping chores. Am I capable of keeping up with all that seeing that I am way past my prime? And that's not yet taking into consideration days when I might be unwell, have to attend to family commitments, and the like. Writing requires discipline and commitment to achieve any measure of success; so am I being delusional at this point in my life thinking that I can still 'make' it?

There's also the question of genre to consider. Is the short story a good choice to start with? As I said earlier, for all the time that I had considered delving into writing, the short story was not a first option. Should I do it because someone thinks that I would be good at it? If not, what do I write then? Poetry is not a choice either although I've loved poetry since schooldays. Actually, I had thought about writing creative non-fiction; writing about topics of interest and that which interests me. How would that compare with short stories in terms of readership and public acceptance (in the event that it gets published)? 

I have yet to come to a decision. So, the dilemma continues...

COMING OF RAMADAN 2020

Ramadan is a week away. I am filled with anticipation and anxiety. At 70 every day is a bonus granted at the Almighty’s mercy. May Allah grant me this Ramadan in full and in good health. Aamiin.This time around it is going to be a different fasting month on many levels. The whole country - in fact the world - has been in lockdown, partially or full, for the last month at least as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic, and it appears that that's not going to change any time soon. So, what are we looking at?

For a start, my husband and I will be undergoing fasting confined to our home. Unlike previous years when we would gather with the other residents in the neighbourhood for our daily iftar at the surau, followed by the Maghrib prayers. We would then dismiss, return to our homes before assembling again for isya’ and terawih prayers. It is this spirit of community, numbering close to seventy people, that I would miss most. What would it be like having to do the terawih prayers on our own? How many rakaat will we do? Can we still manage the twenty (20) as in previous years now that we are devoid of the strength and motivation found in numbers? Since he will be home at all times, my husband will take on the role of imam and he would need to rely on his physical and spiritual strength to see us through all the prayers throughout the day.

Then there’s the iftar. For the past fifteen years since we’ve lived here, we have embraced the Ramadan culture of the community. What this means is that every fasting month the residents contribute a certain sum towards the morei i.e. the meal for breaking fast that enables us to break our fast together at the surau. The Surau Committee would decide on the choice of two caterers who would get to cater for two weeks each. The residents also make it a point to take home leftovers so that there would not be food left to waste. For this Ramadan, as a result of us not being allowed to have any form of gathering, it has been the residents’ consensus that we would pay the caterer to provide us with bubur lambok (rice porridge) instead which would be sent to our homes. And I am delighted with this arrangement. It will save me from having to cook the meal for breaking fast. Cooking can be tiring and stressful when you are fasting! Of course there’s still the sahur meal to worry about. But that being a pre-dawn meal, no heavy cooking would be involved and a light meal would suffice.

In the past years there would be a weekend when all my children would visit and spend two nights with us. I would cook their favourite dishes and breaking fast would be a merry affair. This is certainly not happening this Ramadan and I would miss it terribly. The likelihood of gathering as a family too over Hari Raya (Eid) celebrations looks pretty slim as long as the Movement Control Order is still in place. If so, then Hari Raya would be a sombre and quiet one for my husband and I.

Despite the gloomy outlook, I am looking forward to the fasting month like always. It is a special period for me because it is a time for introspection, to be more concerned with my spiritual being and less on worldly matters. It is time again to evaluate the life I've led so far. Has it been purely worldly and self-serving? This is a time when I make a special commitment to be more religious by intensifying my daily religious practices and devotion to the Almighty in order to seek His mercy and reward. Ramadan is a reminder that Islam is a religion that underscores social justice, and that Allah’s bounty should be shared especially with the less fortunate. There is no better time than this to be more mindful about giving and being grateful for what Allah has bestowed upon you than when you are faced with hunger from dawn to dusk.

HONOURING INVITATIONS

It is 26 days to go before my son's wedding reception. The r.s.v.p.s are trickling in. Surely but slowly.
Which leads me to wonder - how do you regard wedding invitations when you receive one? How do you feel when you get one?

I, for one, feel very honoured every time I receive an invitation to just about anything at all. What more a wedding invite. Weddings are traditionally an intimate affair, especially meant for family, relatives and close friends. To be invited to one means you qualify under one of these categories, and you should be grateful to be included. I know I would be. After all, it is the prerogative of the host to decide who to invite and who not to for the occasion, regardless of your association with him/her.

The way to honour such an invitation is to respond to it as soon as one can. The host needs to know the number of people coming especially for catering purposes and seating arrangements. The way I see it, if you want to attend the function and you can, you should say so immediately. The same goes for responses in the negative. If you know for a fact that you would not be able to make it, or don't want to - whatever the reason - you should reply accordingly. So why do some people take their time to respond? Or wait till the last minute to do so? Worst still, not respond at all?

If you said you would attend, be sure to keep the date. It is your responsibility and moral obligation to make sure that you don't commit to something else on that date. Unless it's a matter of life and death, we should honour that commitment once it is given. Wedding invitations should not be regarded as trivial, no matter who it is from. The host would have been deluged with a zillion things to take care of in order to ensure the smooth running of the function. He/she can do without having to worry if his/her guests would turn up when the day comes. It is also downright rude to reply that you would attend and then not turn up for the function just because you decide to do something else.

The host has been gracious enough to extend you an invitation; the least you can do is respond - and in good time. It is simply common courtesy, isn't it?

BOOK TALK

Judging by the number of people that came, some as early as an hour before the time scheduled, it was a much anticipated event. Ipoh was to be Clare-Newcastle Brown's last stop in the book tour. I was simply glad that they decided to include Ipoh which has often been bypassed for such events which usually gives priority to KL or Penang. I was one of the eager-beavers having been told to come early lest I might not get a seat. As it turned out, the Tower Regency Hotel's ballroom was large enough to hold more than the anticipated crowd.

For a crowd it was - largely made up of Ipoh residents who were mostly middle-aged and beyond. Of course there were some younger ones too. Before Clare's arrival, a corner of the Hall was set up to sell "The Sarawak Report" - the very book she had written and had come to launch. Needless to say, the book was a sellout, even at RM80. Now, who was it who said that Ipoh-ites are a miserly bunch? Those who couldn't get a copy had to get on the waiting list - the reprints would be on the way.

The minute Clare started speaking, she held the audience in the palm of her hand. The subject matter of her Book has obviously piqued everyone's interest, and who better to talk about it than the lady who had uncovered it all in the first place. It was like hearing from the horse's mouth. You could hear a pin drop from the rapt attention she was getting from the audience. Clare spoke calmly and distinctly - in that unmistakably British manner - and never for a moment brought attention to herself except the issue at hand. Members of the audience were ready with their questions and the Q&A session could have gone on forever. But, there's only so much that she could say in an hour's talk. After all, everything's in the Book. She has given it 3 years of her life, in the face of intimidation, threats and risk to personal safety. The least we can do is READ it, and make our own deductions.

For me, it was a morning well-spent. Not only did I get another book to read, but one signed by none other than the author herself - priceless.

MOVING ON...

It is 4 years 6 months since the disappearance of flight MH370 on 8 March 2014. In a month's time, my son - whose wife was on the flight - will marry again. It is hard to describe how I feel because my feelings are mixed. After 3 years there was a time when I worried that he might not be able to move on with his life in terms of starting anew with someone else. As a mother, it was my biggest fear. Even today, I cannot put the incident out of my mind, so how can I expect him to? Some days it is still fresh as if it was only yesterday. They had only been married a year and had just celebrated their first anniversary. In a cruel twist of fate, what was supposed to be a brief trip to Beijing in the company of her mother, elder sister and an aunt, turned out to be one of no return. While it hadn't been easy for us, I can only imagine the heartbreak it was for my son. But he soldiered on, burying himself in work and returning to the home they shared late at night, so as to find solace in sleep. It must have been one hell of loneliness.

In the beginning, when the media was at its frenzy covering the flight's disappearance, coupled with the hordes of theories from every source imaginable, we told him that it was best to avoid watching TV or any form of coverage of the incident. The uncertainty and  confusion would only wear him out. And to only await news from MAS or official sources. To his credit, he bore the years that followed with perseverance. He showed more fortitude than I thought he had; never once did he give up or wallow in self-pity. He seemed calm - at least outwardly - and took the tribulation in his stride. For us who are closest to him, he had become a tad quieter and his laughter, if it came at all, was forced and hollow. He had grieved in silence. Finally, the loneliness must have got to him. He started dating his soon-to-be wife a year ago - 3 years after the incident - and they got engaged last April. It wasn't easy for him; he had his moments of hesitation before taking that step. After all, it was going to be another milestone in his life. He is 35 and should be in the prime of his life, building a career and a family.

I am happy for him. Alhamdulillah, he is moving on. I pray to the Almighty that he be given the happiness he deserves, in lieu of the one that was so suddenly taken from him. I want to hear his hearty laugh again. Insyaallah.

Picking Up Where I left Off

Today I feel better than I had been feeling for the past 3-4 days. I had some kind of mild contractions in my stomach which caused frequent visits to the bathroom. In between, I had the chills which forced me to take Nurofen every 6 hours or so because I did not want to visit the doctor. I believe some kind of virus must have assaulted me and caused chaos in my tummy, leaving me listless, lethargic with not much of an appetite. Unproductive would also be an accurate way of describing the condition I was in.

Not that I had been doing anything very much before this. During the last few months, my attempt at writing short stories got derailed somewhat for no apparent reason other than procrastination and lack of motivation. I had come to a point when I was questioning if I should be writing at all. I mean, what's the point? I had not been making any headway so far. Despite the amount of reading up on the craft, through books and websites, I was nowhere near to knowing if I was on the right track. All that information makes me more confused and frustrated. 

Postings on my Instagram and Twitter have been sluggish too lately. Perhaps I'm lacking material to make up the content? I have treated these platforms as my writing outlet. I may not be able to write at length there, but the postings still require some thought to put them into a readable and coherent form.

The only thing I kept going was reading. Maybe I was meant to be a reader, not a writer! I had bought some books on my last trip to the UK in April, and I have been catching up on those. Then of course the arrival of "The Billion Dollar Whale" on Malaysian shores this week cast everything else aside. I finished the almost 400-page book within 2 days. Once I started on it, it wasn't easy to put it down. Could be due to a couple of reasons, not least of which, the subject matter! First - it is readable with clear and easy-to-understand language. In view of the subject matter, which could be daunting to a non-financial person like me, perhaps it was the intention of the writers to break it down into more comprehensible terms. They certainly succeeded there. I've no intention of doing a review of the book here, but suffice to say, it is a good read - believe it or not!    

Yesterday Voice370 issued a press statement expressing their disappointment that the Malaysian Government has chosen to remain silent again. This time regarding the offer from a US company that they would like to embark on the search for the missing plane now that Australia (ATSB and CSIRO) has redefined the search area further north of where they had been searching all this while. The offer amounted to something like 'no-find, no-pay' which I thought was pretty reasonable and KIND. Why then is Malaysia not taking it up? I'm equally sad and disappointed. Which leads me to question its sincerity in wanting to recover the plane. Some parties earlier had already suggested some form of 'cover up' on Malaysia's part. The present stance is definitely open to question, doesn't it? In the first place, what was your real reason for ending the search? Surely money spent - no matter the amount - on looking for the plane can be justified in more ways than you can think of. We are talking about human lives here -isn't that reason enough?

Please consider this. The incident is entering its 4th year and we are nowhere near to getting any form of answers as to what happened to the plane and its 239 passengers. You might choose to sidestep the incident but don't expect that we - family and friends of those on board - can do the same. Do you even have the faintest idea of how we have coped for the last 3 years without the slightest inkling as to what happened to our loved ones? 'Difficult' can hardly begin to describe our torment.Things might have seemed normal to you, and that we have weathered the worst. We all grieve in our own way, some more demonstrative than others; but believe you me, we GRIEVE....and will continue until the day we know what happened to flight MH370 and why it ended the way it did.

You say you empathize, and that you feel for us. Words alone won't do; actions speak louder than words. Your silence amounts to inertia, and it doesn't augur well for you, much less for the future of our nation as our Merdeka Day looms around the corner.