WILL I BECOME A WRITER?

I'm baffled. Weeks after turning 70, I am still thinking about writing. Or more precisely - about becoming a writer. I keep on buying books on Writing, reading about Writing and bent on learning the craft of Writing. Of course lately I've been more than conscious of time - how little of it I might have left. So I really should be thinking about spending it in the pursuit of becoming a better Muslim. After all, Death might call on me any time now; 70 is not too soon by any standards.

Admittedly, I have been focusing on my spiritual needs; on the need to prepare for the afterlife when I will have to face Judgement Day and account for all my life's deeds, both good and bad. As a true believer, nothing is more feared than this Day. For a good many years now, I have tried to do the best I could as a practising Muslim - perform my obligatory prayers, supplement them with non-obligatory ones, read the Quran everyday, attend classes to bolster my knowledge of Islam, give alms whenever I can afford to, etc. etc. so as to earn my brownie points with Allah. I have even told myself that the time has come for me to let go of the material world, to become less concerned with the worldly. Yet, I can't seem to let go of Writing!

So for the last couple of years now I have been grappling with this conflict - do I give up on a long-held ambition of becoming a writer, or do I give it one last chance? Shall I fulfil it once and for all while I'm still breathing with a sound mind and body? Or banish it forever to the back burner and forget that I once considered it a remote possibility? Being at this age, the chances of realising an ambition, whatever it may be, could be next to nil. Three years ago I attended my first ever writing workshop because then I thought I still had time to learn the craft and make my dormant ambition see the light of day. The Workshop taught me a lot of things that I needed to know if I wanted to write fiction, specifically short stories. This was one genre that I never considered because I thought it was difficult. How right I was! But something unexpected happened at the end of the Workshop that blew my mind. Our assignment was to write and hand in a short story of no more than 3,000 words. When my piece was up for discussion, the lecturer (a published author and poet in her own right) waxed praises about it and said that I had the potential to make it as a writer. Her words of encouragement for me boosted my confidence but I still harboured self-doubts.

Because I was short on time, I thought the best pathway was to have a mentor who would work closely with me and guide me on the right track as I pursue my writing goals. But I did not actively look for anyone. All the while I was thinking that that particular lecturer would be the right person for the job. She already knew what I was capable of, so it would not be a case of starting from scratch. I hesitated to ask because I knew she had a full-time job and might not be available to take on a mentoring position. So I did nothing for three whole years apart from nursing the wound of a failed ambition. Yes, this is procrastination of the highest order if ever there was one!

But in January this year, the said lecturer sent me news that she was no longer teaching full-time and was embarking on a mentorship programme for would-be writers. I immediately wrote her back asking for details of the programme. Which clearly goes to show that my interest has never waned! She suggested that I come up with a collection of short stories. 

So now I find myself in a dilemma. Do I get back on the trail of my ambition, or do I dedicate whatever time and energy I have left towards enhancing my spiritual development? Can I not do both simultaneously? Would writing take away time meant for religious obligations like the zikir, Quran reading, consolidating knowledge of the Deen, etc.? 24 hours in a day might seem a lot, but I am also a housewife who cooks and cleans on top of other housekeeping chores. Am I capable of keeping up with all that seeing that I am way past my prime? And that's not yet taking into consideration days when I might be unwell, have to attend to family commitments, and the like. Writing requires discipline and commitment to achieve any measure of success; so am I being delusional at this point in my life thinking that I can still 'make' it?

There's also the question of genre to consider. Is the short story a good choice to start with? As I said earlier, for all the time that I had considered delving into writing, the short story was not a first option. Should I do it because someone thinks that I would be good at it? If not, what do I write then? Poetry is not a choice either although I've loved poetry since schooldays. Actually, I had thought about writing creative non-fiction; writing about topics of interest and that which interests me. How would that compare with short stories in terms of readership and public acceptance (in the event that it gets published)? 

I have yet to come to a decision. So, the dilemma continues...

COMING OF RAMADAN 2020

Ramadan is a week away. I am filled with anticipation and anxiety. At 70 every day is a bonus granted at the Almighty’s mercy. May Allah grant me this Ramadan in full and in good health. Aamiin.This time around it is going to be a different fasting month on many levels. The whole country - in fact the world - has been in lockdown, partially or full, for the last month at least as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic, and it appears that that's not going to change any time soon. So, what are we looking at?

For a start, my husband and I will be undergoing fasting confined to our home. Unlike previous years when we would gather with the other residents in the neighbourhood for our daily iftar at the surau, followed by the Maghrib prayers. We would then dismiss, return to our homes before assembling again for isya’ and terawih prayers. It is this spirit of community, numbering close to seventy people, that I would miss most. What would it be like having to do the terawih prayers on our own? How many rakaat will we do? Can we still manage the twenty (20) as in previous years now that we are devoid of the strength and motivation found in numbers? Since he will be home at all times, my husband will take on the role of imam and he would need to rely on his physical and spiritual strength to see us through all the prayers throughout the day.

Then there’s the iftar. For the past fifteen years since we’ve lived here, we have embraced the Ramadan culture of the community. What this means is that every fasting month the residents contribute a certain sum towards the morei i.e. the meal for breaking fast that enables us to break our fast together at the surau. The Surau Committee would decide on the choice of two caterers who would get to cater for two weeks each. The residents also make it a point to take home leftovers so that there would not be food left to waste. For this Ramadan, as a result of us not being allowed to have any form of gathering, it has been the residents’ consensus that we would pay the caterer to provide us with bubur lambok (rice porridge) instead which would be sent to our homes. And I am delighted with this arrangement. It will save me from having to cook the meal for breaking fast. Cooking can be tiring and stressful when you are fasting! Of course there’s still the sahur meal to worry about. But that being a pre-dawn meal, no heavy cooking would be involved and a light meal would suffice.

In the past years there would be a weekend when all my children would visit and spend two nights with us. I would cook their favourite dishes and breaking fast would be a merry affair. This is certainly not happening this Ramadan and I would miss it terribly. The likelihood of gathering as a family too over Hari Raya (Eid) celebrations looks pretty slim as long as the Movement Control Order is still in place. If so, then Hari Raya would be a sombre and quiet one for my husband and I.

Despite the gloomy outlook, I am looking forward to the fasting month like always. It is a special period for me because it is a time for introspection, to be more concerned with my spiritual being and less on worldly matters. It is time again to evaluate the life I've led so far. Has it been purely worldly and self-serving? This is a time when I make a special commitment to be more religious by intensifying my daily religious practices and devotion to the Almighty in order to seek His mercy and reward. Ramadan is a reminder that Islam is a religion that underscores social justice, and that Allah’s bounty should be shared especially with the less fortunate. There is no better time than this to be more mindful about giving and being grateful for what Allah has bestowed upon you than when you are faced with hunger from dawn to dusk.